The Boredom of Lockdown

[peter92305]

One of the biggest problems with these frequent lockdowns is thinking up new ways of passing the time.
I decided to try my hand at a bit of poetry. I don't think it compares favourably with Wordsworth but i'll give you a flavour of my handiwork ::

There was a young girl of Cape Cod, Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty ,Who hiked up her nightie, 'Twas Roger , the lodger, By God!


There was a young woman from Kew, Who said, as the Bishop withdrew, Oh the Vicar is quicker And thicker and slicker.
And four inches longer than you.


Jack and Jill went up the hill, So Jack could see Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock and an eyeful of cock, 'Cause Jill was now a closet tranny.


A confused young lady called Alice, Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina in South Carolina, And bits of her tits were in Dallas!


Hopefully you raised a giggle or two but the real success story is that it kept me from roaming the streets at night!

[Annabelle]

[John]

Brilliant stuff Peter, had me chuckling away. More please

[peter92305]

A Couple of Rhymes

There once was a man named McSprocket, Who stuck his dick up a socket.
The son- of-a-bitch, Turned on the switch, And away he shot like a rocket.


( Epitaph on a village gravestone).
Here lie the bones of a screwy old dick, Born into life with a malformed corkscrew prick.
He spent most of his life with his face in girls' annies, Searching for one with a corkscrew fanny.
Dick finally found her, but much to his dread, Son-of-a-bitch, she had a left-handed thread!


I have to release these sparingly because after the runaway success of my biography, " Arrabella, the Apologetic Chloroformer " ( I changed her name so as to maintain her anonymity ), I am now under stress from the publishers to follow it up with a book of " Verses and monologues " for publication early in the new year.
Just time for a quick monologue, :: ----

Little Billy came home from school to find the family's pet rooster lying dead in the front yard.
Rigourmortise had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his dad came home, Billy said, " Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking up in the air. Why are his legs like that?"
His father, thinking quickly answered " Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift our rooster straight up to heaven "
"Oh, I see " replied little Billy.

A few days later when Dad arrived home from work, Billy rushed out to him yelling, " DAD, DAD, we almost lost Mum today!"
"What do you mean?" asked his Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went upstairs to your bedroom, and there was Mum lying flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, JESUS I'm coming !"
If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

[peter92305]

What do you call a priest who sleep walks? ----- A roamin' Catholic.


How do you entice a priest to try and seduce a nun? ----- Dress her up as a choirboy!


What do a short-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? ----- A very wet nose.


One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to lick his ears.
Speaking personally, I think that is bollocks!


What do you get when you jingle a man's balls? ----- A white Christmas.


An old man was sunbathing naked on a nudist beach.
For civility, he placed his hat over his genitals.
Later on, a woman walked up to him and said with a smile,
" if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat in the presence of a lady ",
to which he replied, " If you weren't so ugly, my hat would raise itself! "


I went to see my doctor yesterday. He said " How are you ?"
I said " I'm fine ".----- He said " What you doin' here then ?"


I went up to a traffic warden outside Wembley Football Stadium on matchday, and shouted "How much for a ticket? "


My mum told me that the best time to ask my dad if I wanted anything was during sex.
Buoyed by this helpful piece of knowledge, I burst in through the bedroom door saying,
" Can I have a new bike please daddy? " He was not best pleased, but his secretary was quite nice about it.
Not only did I get my bike, but I also got the promise of a horse for Christmas with a guarantee of weekly riding lessons!

[Annabelle]

Oh my LOL

[megaton]